(no subject)

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

About three weeks later; a Saturday afternoon - a pleasant day at the start of October.

It's another beautiful Saturday. It seems like we've had a lot of wizard days lately; or perhaps it's just because I've been so happy. It's almost absurd, how splendid I have felt. I suppose it is almost sad, how surprising I have found it to be happy - happy, not momentarily satisfied or amused. I have been smiling a great deal more lately. I have been careful not to look too absurd; I have a reputation to maintain, after all. But although I have continued to be strict with the younger boys, I think I have been - less prone to anger than I was. Toby Hutchinson, the nephew of our director, even came to me for advice. And I spoke to him for a good fifteen minutes and at the end of it he was smiling. Of course, I had to rap his knuckles a few times with my ruler because he had been crying about being homesick. One can't become too soft on the younger boys or they will get ideas above their station. But I think that before this year I felt so frustrated so much of the time that I... took it out on others. And it disgusts me a little, now, knowing how much Reaves encouraged that. Constantine may be the strangest looking beak I've ever seen, and I have no liking for a man who looks so effete, but at least he seems to want to be fair.

Things with Tez have been really excellent. It's hard - oh, what a word - at school, sometimes. Alright, a lot of the time. Because we have to be careful, and the more time I spend with him the less I want to be careful. But at the same time, there's something almost thrilling in having a secret. It's like having our own world. Brief glances on the staircase as we pass, the touch of his foot underneath the dinner table, and then at night... And we've been able to get back to the cave once. I bought blankets in town, and I've left them there. I wouldn't say it's cosy, exactly... But it's private. That is like taking the weight off my feet after a long day, somehow, the relief of it.

Rehearsals for the play have been going brilliantly, too. Syl and I have started sharing a cigarette before our rehearsals together, hidden at the side the school - I showed her a better spot than the place out at the front. We alternate who brings the cigarettes, even though I know it must be harder for her to buy them than for me. But I don't think she'd want to keep taking charity. It's companionable, to have ten minutes before rehearsal. I'm surprised how much I like her. She isn't at all the sort of girl I should like. But there's no nonsense to her, and she makes me laugh. And apart from Lily, I've never spent so much time with a girl before at something that wasn't one of my mother's parties. Tez joined us for a smoke once, when we were all rehearsing one day, but it felt quite awkward. I think he must still feel strange around Syl. I hope it wears off. I haven't seen his scenes with her yet, though I know they've had a rehearsal or two. I don't think he wants to talk about it, and I don't want to make his stage fright or whatever it is worse. I'm sure it will all work out.

Today I had a few house duties and so I didn't leave with everyone else. So I walk out of the quiet school at lunchtime. I hope I will see Tez in town... And I wouldn't mind seeing Syl, either, funnily enough. Perhaps I'll head to the Miskatonic. Everyone ends up there or the Dormouse, but the Miskatonic tends to be less full of giggling fifth form girls.